I have endured my fair share of foolishness, but I can’t play the victim because I was complicit more often than not. What can I say? Guess I’m a glutton for punishment. Also, foolishness is kinda fun sometimes. Not anymore though. Y’all can have it. I’m done! Tapped out. lol
Back in my college days, I was dating this guy I had no business dating (we’ll call him Tim). He had way too much going on and didn’t have intentions or the ability (hope you can read between the lines) to commit to me. Nonetheless, I entertained him for 3-4 years. I think the reason he and I lasted so long is because of the on-again, off-again nature of our relationship.
During one of our off-peak seasons, I’d gotten to a point where I was unfazed by him giving me the silent treatment, which he did often. This dude made a habit of coming into my job to stare at me while doing everything possible not to speak to me. So annoying! He definitely caught me at the right point in my life because I was so hardened, I didn’t pay his butt a drop of attention. For all he knew, I truly wasn’t privy to him being there.
During this same timeframe, someone started calling and playing on my phone. They called from a blocked number and hung up every time I answered. After this went on for two weeks, I answered one day and said, “Hey look, I don’t really have time for this right now, but if you call me back later maybe I’ll have time.”
I remember this day well. I was so delirious because I’d been pulling double shifts as a bartender while trying to juggle a full course load at school. I was headed in to work a double, which meant I’d be at work from 11 a.m.-4 a.m. the next morning. So, I was half being smart and half attempting to reason with this person. As I went to hang up the phone, I heard someone quickly say, “Don’t hang up!”
I didn’t immediately recognize the voice. I was stunned by their gall to demand I stay on the phone after playing on it for two weeks. Brain cells fried, I just got quiet. Almost frantic, the voice on the other end said, “Hello!” And in an exasperated tone, I said “I’m here, who is this? And why have you been playing on my phone?”
I wasn’t prepared for the response I got. He never gave his name but instead he said, “Because I’m an idiot!” All of a sudden I knew exactly who it was, and just like that, Tim wiggled his way back into my life. Clearly, I used to enjoy a touch of crazy.
As illogical and as dysfunctional as this song and dance was, I allowed myself to remain entangled. I knew this was an unhealthy situation from the start. But as we often do as women, I used backwards justification to make it make sense. Let’s face it, I wanted what I wanted. I ignored the blaring signs because they didn’t fit into the fantasy I’d cooked up. I was complicit in the foolishness.
I’ve entertained many such relationships. It’s NEVER a matter of not knowing. It’s ALWAYS a decision we make to ignore the obvious! But how does this serve us?
No worries, I have the answer. IT DOESN’T!
Someone told me years ago to be very careful any time I feel the need to justify something. He said, “Chances are, you’re just trying to talk yourself into something you already know is wrong,” SO true! Being a few years removed from this toxic relationship cycle, it baffles me when I hear women justifying a relationship in one breath then complaining about it in the next. The latter cancels the former. You don’t get to complain when YOU chose to be complicit in the foolishness.
Here’s the sad thing about these types of scenarios, the reason we often opt to remain in relationships that aren’t for us is our fear of being alone. It’s because of what this represents in our society. If you’re single you are…
“Not worthy of being chosen”
So, because we want to avoid internal turmoil AND these labels at all costs, we enter into and remain in ridiculous relationships. This is insanity! But you already know that.