I think women are plagued with a disease that prevents us from asserting ourselves when we should. I have certainly been guilty of this far more than I care to admit. It would totally be more palatable if it was sheer naivety. But ummmm, that’s not typically the case. We will know better and still abandon intuition and logic.
And now for another round of my foolishness…
I met this guy at Publix a few years back. We were both walking out at the same time. He was with his baby daughter, and they seemed to be having a grand ole time. I smiled at them as I always do when I see fathers and daughters. (Sidebar: since my father passed, it’s both beautiful and challenging for me to see a father with his daughter). I think I may have even made an endearing remark but I kept walking as I didn’t have an angle. The guy (we’ll call him Will) complimented me on my hair, and then before I knew it, we were exchanging numbers. It felt pretty natural so I was cool with the decision to give him the digits (do people still say that?).
We spoke on the phone maybe a day or so later, and I learned he lived in Philly for a number of years so I felt an instant bond with him. Our conversation was awesome. It was full of Philly nuances the average person wouldn’t know and plenty of jokes. Will and I met during the NBA playoffs so we both had a desire to center any time we spent around watching the games. Before long he extended the invite to his home. Let me say this…I knew better but went anyway.
The first time I went to his home, everything was copacetic. We talked, we laughed, we talked trash. The next AND final time I went to his home, it was an altogether different story. Here’s the thing…I already knew I was pushing it because I was going against one of my rules for dating. I don’t go to guys houses (nor do I allow them to come to mine). And especially not at night. It just doesn’t make sense. Given sex is off the table (read Why Abstinence), I am setting myself and the other person up for failure.
Will is a music producer and had a studio in his home. The majority of our time during my last visit was in the studio. I know, right now someone is thinking, “Got her!” (lol) We watched the last half of a game, listened to some tracks, and reminisced about Philly.
Ok so this is where I really got GOT!
Will did the movement like his neck was hurting and made a statement about “really” needing a massage. Look, I’m not slow. Starred in this movie a few times, and I definitely knew what was happening. But what did I do? Proceeded to have full faith in my ability not to let things go too far (at that point I’d been abstinent for like 4 years). Just a big ole fool, that’s all!
Of course he was prepared. Clearly there’s no reason for lotion to be in a studio but there it was (LOL). I can’t believe I’m even telling this story. It totally makes me look like the biggest dummy ever. But it’s also pretty funny so…
All cocky, I whipped out my best massage techniques on him. You know, I just combined moves from my top 5 nail salon massages. Well maybe I should’ve taken it easy because next thing I know he was asking me to massage his feet. YOOO one would think I gracefully bowed out at that point. NOPE. Again, completely unable to activate the ability to be assertive. So, I’m massaging his feet (LOL) having the craziest inner dialogue EVER with myself. I honestly can’t even tell you how I allowed all of that to take place but I finally had enough. I ended his massage with the same beating the ladies give you at the nail salon and left.
But hold up…how is he going to NOT call me after I gave him a world class massage? Since I don’t typically engage physically to that degree, for me–it truly felt as if we had sex, and he didn’t call me afterwards. That was the craziest feeling ever! I mean he did call a few days later, but man, that gave me a flashback of the games I used to have to play prior to being abstinent. So, while I felt pretty humiliated and had only myself to blame, it kinda served as a great reminder to me why I approach dating relationships the way I do now.
I am intentional from the door about the manner in which we engage. I stick to the tried and true script, and speak up when something doesn’t feel right.