DATING

#SingleShaming

April 27, 2017

Single Shaming (Main)

As I entered my most recent dating season, I realized there seems to be a lot of shame around being single. As kids we used to sing, “Mary and Joseph sitting in the tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes the baby in the baby carriage.” I think subconsciously I may have believed this is actually how it all unfolds.

Yeah so….it’s TOTALLY not! First, you meet a person. Then you date/court them. If it doesn’t work, you’re back to square one. If it does work, you guys date a little longer to determine if it’s really a good fit, and take it from there. There’s this whole vetting out process we must undergo in order to get to the marriage part, but we seem to be embarrassed about this process.

I see the occasional joke from people on social media about being single, but otherwise crickets. Then when there’s a budding relationship we get the onslaught of hashtags: #us #bae #relationshipgoals #What’sUnderstoodDon’tHaveToBeExplained (this one wears me out) #blessed #baebelike #doinUs etc. And if the relationship ends…fade to black.

I get it! It does feel good to be chosen and to have someone you’re building with, but we’re certainly not chopped liver prior this happening. I know I know, it can feel like it though. Especially since our relationship status seems to be of primary concern to others (family, friends, co-workers). Everyone wants to know “WHY” we’re not in a relationship.

While this concern is well meaning, it can leave you feeling like, “Surely I’m defective since everyone feels like I should be in a relationship, but I’m not.” So then, we wince at even being asked the question because each time it forces us to sit with the negative perceptions of being single. I have had to teach people to ask me different questions with regard to my relationship status. Those closest to me tend to focus more now on how I’m doing in the midst of my season of singleness.

They ask something like, “How are you doing? You still feeling at peace or have things changed?” This opens up meaningful dialogue with regard to how I’m actually feeling. Sometimes I’m struggling, and other times, I’m enjoying the process.

We have to recognize the fact that just as singleness is challenging at times, so is being in a relationship. In essence, being in a relationship is not the cure all. There are plenty of miserable people in relationships because they’re in them just for the sake of being able to say they’re in a relationship.

The idea is not to pretend we’re content in being single. Rather, get to a place where we are appreciative of this season and choose to release ourselves to live life abundantly. I challenge you to stop allowing people to #singleshame you. May you instead experience peace and joy that surpasses all understanding with regard to your single status. And remember, I’m in this with you 🙂

 

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4 Comments

  • Reply Christie April 27, 2017 at 12:10 pm

    This post is so true from beginning to end! There are a lot of people in unhappy relationships, just to avoid having to be single. I was in a 10 year relationship, and five of those years I was unhappy. I stayed, because I didn’t want to feel like a failure. I didn’t think it would be easy to date being a single mother, and last I saw what being single shamed was like. I didn’t want to personally experience it, long story short I finally left. When I left, I discovered who I was as a woman, and mother. I loved the person I was becoming, I felt so free, I was falling in love with my self!

    I’m a free bird now, I love my peace, I love myself, my happiness, and my joy. I love being around people who love me, I love spending time with my children. I love trying new things, all of these things bring joy to my life. I don’t have to be in a relationship, I can truly be at peace with or without the title of a relationship. The goal should be to find happiness within, allow life to lead you where it may, when it’s suppose to happen it will. Spend time with friends, family and people who truly enjoy you, develop a new hobby or passion. Once you take the focus off of a relationship that’s usually when it just happens..?

    • Reply Veronica April 27, 2017 at 1:21 pm

      Thanks for sharing this! And so well said. I think this is precisely what it’s all about. I’m hoping more of us can experience what you’ve described ?.

  • Reply Brandi June 22, 2017 at 2:59 pm

    Thank you so much for this post. I was just at home this past weekend and everyone in my family was asking questions about who I’m dating? Are you in a relationship? Don’t you want kids? You’re 33 don’t you feel like your clock is ticking? I’m like dude, I’m happy and free and doing what I want. I’m dating and if it comes to marriage and babies it will but in the mean time I’m happy healthy and enjoying my life. Leave me alone lol. I was in a relationship for years (8) and was miserable yet kept holding on. Where I am now and the peace that I have is a true blessing. Let me live and do hoodrat things with my friends LOL

    • Reply Veronica June 22, 2017 at 3:06 pm

      Cracking up at “do hood rat things.” Ayyyeee!!!! Yeah I think we are all presented with seasons in life. The season of singleness is such an important one. But it’s often overshadowed by so much distress and mostly because of the projections of others. So I say, Go head beautiful! Live your life and do your hood rat things, and also grow like crazy ?.

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