I find that when I try to avoid the immediacy of my feelings while creating content for my blog, it seems inauthentic. I attempt to write about everything but what I’m experiencing…then there’s an internal mechanism that kicks into gear preventing this from happening. Ironically, this is the very reason the Lord placed an unquenchable desire on my heart to launch my blog. He knows, I won’t publish it unless it’s true and to His glory!
Expressing my anger toward Him right now is no different. In my quiet time this week, I realized that I’ve been mad at God for awhile now. But since I easily and seamlessly default to numbing, I didn’t realize it. Numbing was my coping mechanism of choice in response to my trauma. Like most coping mechanisms, it served a purpose for a period of time, until it didn’t.
Unfortunately though, because I did it for so long, it’s a hardwired response to certain experiences and triggers. Presently, there are areas of my life where I feel the Lord has forgotten about me. Here’s the thing…before I ever allowed myself to feel the pain of “being forgotten,” I defaulted to numbing. It was an automatic and subconscious response. Therefore, I didn’t even know I felt that way until I sought to get to the bottom of my numbing this week.
It was weird for me to confess to God I am mad at Him. It feels like being mad at my best friend. I’m still bursting at the seams with love for Him. I commune with Him constantly, I seek to be near Him, yet I am painfully angry with Him.
I’m not worried about the Lord being offended by my anger because 1.) He’s a BIG BIG GOD and 2.) This is a real relationship which means I will cycle through real emotions and feelings. I am, however, somewhat concerned about how long I’ll be in this place. I desperately want to accept the fact that the Lord is ENOUGH in every area of my life.
Like anyone else, I would love to just showcase the highlight reels. I have indeed experienced many highlights and still enjoy an overall sense of peace, contentment, and joy. But I feel a social responsibility to you guys to also invite you into the valleys. Because that’s REAL!
Intellectually and spiritually, I know with all confidence the Lord is sufficient. I know He is faithful. I know He loves me unconditionally. I know He has not left or forsaken me. These things I know without question. And yet, there are still areas where I feel shafted. Herein lies the tension between the spiritual and the natural. Thankfully, I’m in good company here…I’ve read many memoirs and biographies about some of the most richly spiritual individuals suffering through the same struggles.
A friend of mine said something extremely profound this week. Two years after losing her baby son, she is embracing the fact that the proof of God’s love for her is His trusting her with such an incredible testimony. Absolutely blew my mind! Little did she know, this proclamation was a gift to me. It’s times like these when I know deep in the core of my being, my struggles are not in vain.
So yes, I am angry with God right now. And yes, we WILL work it out!
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you WILL have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33